please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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