there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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