Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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