I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
