she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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