you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize