Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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