wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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