My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
