My sheets look like a crime scene.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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