no, he came in my armpit
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
