It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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