Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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