Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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