They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
