you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
