I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
