You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I deserve this hangover.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
