I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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