Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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