the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
