I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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