Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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