THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
