I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
