My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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