i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
