Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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