So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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