I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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