Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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