So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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