You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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