I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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