3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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