Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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