Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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