Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
