I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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