I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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