Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
