I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.