If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!