I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
