first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
