Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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