she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
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It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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