Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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