I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My ass is underappreciated
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
