Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
