guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
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stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
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rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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