Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
