just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
