i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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