I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
