The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
