If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
