He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
